Count to 3,000 in your head.

Go on. It’ll take a while, but give it a shot.

You’re not going to do it are you. It would take too long. You’ve probably tried it a few times when you couldn’t get to sleep and you probably lost count and got bored somewhere in the hundreds. Even if you tried really hard and counted, like, two numbers every second it would still take you 25 minutes. There’s no way you’d try and do something like that unless you really and truly had absolutely nothing better to do. Only prisoners in solitary confinement and insomniacs spend their time trying to count to 3,000.

Imagine then, if you were poor little number 2,742. You’d never get any love - stuck all the way up there with only 2,741 and 2,743 to keep you company. You’re kind of close to 3,000, but not really close enough to make you memorable - not like 2,999, which gets a fair bit of glory.

What you probably didn’t realise, is that 2,742 actually has a name. His name is Coke Billboard. 2,741 has a name too. Her name is Ford Logo on Taxi dashboard. 2,743 is actually kind of cute, she’s called Tampon Commercial in Magazine. 3,000 is absolutely lovely by the way, she’s called Logo on your Mobile Phone, you see her just before you go to sleep. 1 is horrible, everyone hates him, although it’s not his fault, poor thing, he just happens to be called 15 Second McDonalds Slot on Radio Which Wakes you Up at 6.59am. They really are all a great bunch, in fact people loved and cared about them once upon a time, but the problem is, no one can remember who they are any more.

What was 2,741 called again? See, you’ve forgotten already.

It’s a lonely life; being an ad.

The problem is, average consumers have to meet 3,000 ads like these each day, every day, for their entire lives. It’s rather a lot; 87,600,000 in total, and many of them are a bit over it. Funny too, because 50 years ago, ads were something of a novelty and people loved meeting them. ‘As Seen on TV’ was a mark of quality. Jingles were something people hummed because they were cute. Everyone liked Aeroplane Jelly.

Things weren’t too bad in the 60s and 70s when Mr VW Magazine Ad and Mr Beer Commercial were making everyone chuckle, but things started getting pretty dicey in the 80s and 90s when Yelling TV Rug Salesman came along and ruined it for everyone. When Little Banner Ad over there in the corner started popping up all over the place and Mr Email Spam from Nigeria started taking over inboxes at the turn of the century, even cute little Apple Logo on Laptop and Big Budget Superbowl Commercial were forced to the brink of tears.

In 2006 a couple of new kids on the block arrived and promised to clean things up a bit and brighten the future for all ads, everywhere. Their names were MySpace Page and Facebook Application. Everyone had renewed hope for a while, but the effect didn’t last long, because the ads had all started to notice a change. Instead of just sitting back and listening to them, consumers had started talking. They were talking to each other, talking to new friends, talking to old friends and talking to strangers. And they were all talking about the same thing.

Her name was Remarkable.

You’ve probably heard of Remarkable. She’s new on the scene and all the cool marketing departments think she’s pretty hot. In fact, some are saying she’s even managed to make ads irrelevant. Rumour has it, that if you can get Remarkable and her good friend Social Media to work for you, your sales will enter uncharted territory.

It was Google who discovered her of course. They never spent a cent on advertising, they just brought a young Remarkable on board and let Social Media’s great-uncle Word of Mouth do all the talking and now they’re worth over 100 billion dollars. Apple copied them and showed Remarkable how to play MP3s for everyone and it worked so well they made a whole new business out of it. Microsoft recently got on board, eight years late, as usual, and asked Remarkable to get Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld to go and meet some average people, and it seemed to work OK, although a few people said it wasn’t as good as Remarkable’s earlier work - they thought she’d sold out a little.

It didn’t matter though, the message was clear, no-one needed ads anymore and the agencies that made them were redundant: all everyone needed was Remarkable.

It wasn’t long before the big companies started catching on.

“Brilliant,” said Zappos, we’ll put Remarkable to work in our customer service department. “Awesome,” said Nike, we’ll send Remarkable over to buy Converse. “You Ripper,” said Four ‘n Twenty, we’ll get Remarkable to make some paper plates for us. “Yah, that’s Cool,” said Audi in her sexy German accent, you do realise Remarkable has been designing automobiles with us for a decade now. Everyone looked at Ms TT and she blushed a little.

iPhone sat smugly in the corner, he’d slept with Remarkable earlier in the year and it had been all over the tabloids, but word was out that Remarkable and Social Media had formally gotten engaged and were planning an tropical island wedding ceremony on Second Life, so he’d lost a bit of his street cred.

In fact, now that Social Media and Remarkable were an item, it seemed no one had any use for ads anymore. Coca-Cola decided that an emergency summit was needed and asked his friends TV, Radio, Print, Outdoor and even Online to spread the word.

Ads and products from all over the world came, along with their friends from corporate marketing departments and creative agencies across the globe.

“It’s not fair,” said American Corn Growers Association. “Remarkable would never work with us, we’re just too boring. No one is passionate enough about corn to make any impact. We’ve looked on Twitter and we get mentioned every few minutes, but it’s just people talking about what they’re having for dinner. We can’t make brand evangelists out of anyone, despite what Social Media says.”

“I agree,” said Asprin. “I’m not new or innovative, I just take away people’s headaches – that’s all I know how to do. Remarkable only comes to see us when she’s had a big night out partying with all the Gen Y kids from MySpace and then we’re forgotten about the next day. No one wants to change brands, our poor little Magazine Ad can’t get a look in, am I right Panadol? Herron? You guys feel the same way don’t you?”

Panadol and Herron nodded forlornly.

“We even tried getting the ex-prime minister’s wife in on a TVC… nothing,” said Herron.

“How do you think I feel,” said Car Insurance Billboard. “I’ve sat there in the Subway for the last five years, I reckon I’ve seen a hundred million people, but none of them even look at me. They don’t care, Remarkable doesn’t want car insurance, I’m just not sexy enough for her.”

All around the room there were similar stories from products and ads that Remarkable just didn’t want to be associated with, even if Social Media did talk about them from time to time.
“Try being a car tyre,” said Goodyear.

“I’m a cleaning product, no one cares that I’ve got a new active ingredient, they just buy what they always buy, I’m way too old and bald for remarkable to be interested,” Mr Sheen said.

The grumbling continued for a while and it seemed like things were going nowhere until finally, out of the melee, Kitchen Blender piped up.

“Guys,” he said nervously, I think I might have a solution. “Do you mind if I take the stage.”

Coca-Cola laughed. “What have you got to offer? You’re just a boring whitegood like Microwave over there and Refrigerator in the corner. Social Media doesn’t even care about you, let alone Remarkable!”

“Well…” Coughed Blender. “Tin of Tuna, do you want to join me on this one?”

Tin of Tuna nodded and walked down the front.

“Here we go,” said Nike, we’re going to get marketing advice from a whitegood and a consumer food staple”. Everyone chuckled, although secretly they were interested.

“Guys,” said Kitchen Blender. “I’ve been listening to what you’re saying and I feel your pain. Tin of Tuna and I are two of the most boring products on the market. We tried to talk to Social Media at a Facebook party but he just ignored us. We couldn’t even get close to Remarkable because she was over in the corner talking to the Apple crowd all night. We were about to give up, and leave but then we noticed this old guy sitting in a corner all by himself so we started chatting.”

Tin of Tuna took the mic.

“We thought he was too old to be of any use to us, but he turned out to be absolutely charming. And it’s funny, because as soon people realised we were talking to him they wanted to join the conversation too. YouTube and Email came over and they were hanging off every word we said. Soon Twitter popped over for a drink and then suddenly we realised we had a whole bunch of blogs listening in too, it was crazy. We’d actually become the life of the party even though Remarkable was nowhere to be seen. Our sales went through the roof after that.”

“Wow, that’s crazy,” said Pepsi. “Who was the old guy you were talking to? It must have been Sky Writing? Or was it Back Cover of Time Magazine? Or Front Page Editorial in the New York Times?”

“No,” said Kitchen Blender. “He was much older than that.”

“Was it Oprah?” Said Amazing New Celebrity Weight Loss Method. “She’s powerful.”

“Der,” said Big Corporate Bank. “Oprah is a woman. It would have been Bill O’Reilly. He’s way more powerful than Oprah.”

“No, no, no. You’re way off track,” said Tin of Tuna. “No one like that, they were much, much older.”

“I’m stumped,” said Coke, who were you talking to that made YouTube, Email, Blog, Twitter all want to talk to you, even though Remarkable was nowhere to be seen.

Kitchen Blender and Tin of Tuna looked at each other and nodded.

“Guys,” said Kitchen Blender.

“I’d like to introduce you to a very good friend of ours. He was a friend of Ernest Hemmingway, William Shakespeare, Plato, Socrates, and even Moses. He was around long before TV, long before Radio, before Newspapers, in fact, he was around before consumers even had writing.”

An old man stood up from the crowd and started walking towards the stage. He looked ancient, but there was a spring in his step and everyone could tell there was something special about him – he seemed, interesting. Really, really interesting.

“Folks,” said Tin of Tuna.

“We’d like to introduce you to Story.”

For sale: Baby shoes, never worn.

A frustrated journalist wrote that 30 years before he won the Nobel Prize for Literature. His name was Ernest Hemmingway.

You need at least four bits for a story: a protagonist, a beginning, a middle, and an end. The beginning sets the protagonist on a journey, the middle heightens the tension and the end moves you because someone’s life has changed. It doesn’t matter how long the story is, it will move you if it has those four bits.

Unless an ad has a story, it’s never going to move you.

TV advertising is so good because the master story-tellers of the last half century — the ones who put those four bits together better than anyone else — worked in TV advertising — they don’t work in ‘digital’, yet. You can bet that if Shakespeare or Hemmingway were alive in 2007 they would have been making Budweiser commercials for the SuperBowl and John West videos for YouTube. Give it another half century and the master story tellers will be using another medium, it will be digital — in that ones and zeroes will convey the information — but we will almost certainly be calling it something different.

I can’t wait to see what it looks like.

If you know anyone who works in advertising, do them a favour and send them here: http://bonafidemarketinggenius.com/2008/10/01/why-traditional-advertising-is-kinda-fked-and-what-they-should-do-about-it/

We’re putting together a marketing plan and digital strategies outline for a children’s television series which is in development for an Australian network. It has been sold around the world and the producers are pretty excited about the social networking opportunities. Forums, blogs, ‘Second Life’ Islands and behind-the-scenes access areas are nothing new, but this series comes at a time when 90% of nine-year-olds have used the Internet and 34% of twelve year-olds have a profile on a social networking site. Never before have young teenagers engaged so enthusiastically with online content or been more inclined to join online communities.

I can’t reveal too much about the series, given that it’s in production and all a bit hush-hush, but it’s along the same lines as something like The Saddle Club or Bluewater High — a bunch of kids who are elite proponents of a particularly popular activity who are growing up together and attending the same school. The websites for those shows are pretty good, I particularly like Bluewater High’s, but the strategy we’re putting together is going to be on a whole new level.

The online strategy for the show is divided into four basic parts:

• A website which invites fans into a virtual world, allowing them to interact with the characters and their unique environment and chat with other fans.
• A behind-the-scenes website which acts like an online (extended) version of the special features on a DVD that shows interviews, allows fans to ask questions and even allows people to audition for the show.
• An online store which sells related merchandise.
• Discussion forums where fans can post messages and respond to related topics about the show and the popular activity the show deals with.

Here’s some of the cool things we’re doing on the social networking side:

A ‘Virtual World’ Website with Characters Integrating with Facebook and MySpace

Using Flash™ technology a detailed virtual world will be created where fans can walk through the sets and see where the characters have been. Bandwidth issues in Australia prevent video-intensive features like real-time character interaction (like you might find in a video game), but it’s certainly possible to create a static virtual world. Powderfinger’s Hotel Existence website is along the lines of what we’re talking about.

Fans will be able to sneak into character’s bedrooms and read their diaries, see what they’re listening to on their iPODs, see what they ate for lunch and gather clues from the virtual set to use in online games and competitions.

The coolest feature of this virtual world though, is how the character’s profiles will integrate with actual Facebook and MySpace profiles. The producers were keen to create a new stand-alone social networking platform especially for the show, using something like Ning, but we explained to them that if we used existing platforms, fans will already be familiar with the user-interface, they won’t have to sign-up for anything new and most importantly, every single aspect of their interaction with the show’s characters will be automatically broadcast to all their other friends who share the same social networking platform. The average Facebook user has more than 150 friends, so by allowing fans to interact with characters on Facebook you are increasing the show’s marketing reach by a factor of 150 for every single fan.

The social networking profiles will be updated weekly by production staff, in sync with the onscreen events. So, for example, when two characters start dating, their Facebook profiles will change to show that they are ‘In a Relationship’. When they break up, their profile will be updated accordingly. These changes will obvioiusly also appear in their real-life ‘friends’ news feeds as if the events were happening to real people. When characters post on other characters’ walls, fans will be able to track the conversations between them.

The characters will also post event invitations. For example, in the lead-up to an episode where one character throws herself a sixteenth birthday party, all her real Facebook friends will be invited to attend. Candid photographs of the party will later appear and fans will be able to comment on the photographs.

YouTube Integration

Several instructional videos will be created by real-life, professional proponents of the activity the show centres around (imagine if Kelly Slater had put together a series of instructional surfing videos for Bluewater High and then they were posted all over YouTube). A section of the website will be devoted to showcasing these videos and via step-by-step tutorials, fans will be able to learn what the characters are doing. Fans will then be able to film themselves and their friends and upload them to the site and to YouTube. This will ensure the website gains significant exposure in YouTube (and Google) when people from around the world are searching for videos of this activity – increasing the reach of the online campaign far beyond the core Australian audience.

Montages of popular television shows created by fans who put their favourite scenes together in a YouTube re-mix are another recent video Phenomenon (one fan film clip from Australian children’s series H20: Just Add Water has had more than 650,000 YouTube views). It’s a labour of love that can take countless hours, but tools like Flektor are making it easier to do and by providing fans with a library of useful clips, helpfully sorted under appropriate categories, we’ll make the process super-easy and encourage fans to plaster as many clips as they like on YouTube.

Fans will also be able to download songs from the website soundtrack and edit them into the clips, resulting in huge exposure for the artists (a bargaining chip when licensing the songs). The website will then run competitions and the fans can vote on their favourite montages, bringing new filmmakers to the fore and increasing exposure on YouTube to a worldwide audience.

Fan Fiction

Creative, dedicated fans love writing fictional stories about their characters. Sites like Fan Fiction.net have millions of stories uploaded about virtually every popular television series ever created. Buffy the Vampire Slayer alone has more than 30,000 stories uploaded by fans.

A section of the website will actively encourage fan fiction competitions where people write stories about the characters and upload them for others to read. Producers will actively use this as a research tool to figure out what fans want to happen in the next series.

Those are just some of the strategies I can talk about publicly. We’re pretty excited about it all and I’d love to hear any feedback you had on what we’re doing. If anyone has any brilliant ideas of their own I’m all ears…

It’s a capitalist tool, but even after the revolution, in the darkest days of red army rule and state-induced famine, the Bolsheviks had it. Imagine a world without advertising. Imagine if no organisations exchanged currency for promotion: No billboards, no radio spots, no TV commercials, no banner ads, no AdSense. No editorials, no splash pages, no magazine back-covers, no inside covers, no infomercials. Imagine if no one saw or heard ads anymore.

Imagine if the only way you would make a purchasing decision was because of the advice of other people you trusted.

That’s where we’re heading.

An article in the Business section of today’s Australian newspaper has revealed than according to the latest figures from the Internet Advertising Bureau, Australians now spend more time online than they do watching television. The average time spent online is now 13.7 hours per week, compared to 13.3 watching TV.

The combined online advertising spend over the last 12 months exceeded 1.5 billion for the first time.

Does your business’s advertising spend reflect those figures?

Imagine you work in the marketing department of a noodle company. Your corporation provides “quick, easy and healthy meal solutions with broad consumer appeal” (even Don Watson would be proud of that corporate philosophy). Your job is to sell more noodles. You’ve made a name for yourself flogging rice crackers to the female snacking demographic and word from management is the ‘poor male uni student demographic’ is untapped. Your research tells you that they like MTV and they respond to online, so there’s no possible chance you’re going to be able to launch a campaign unless there’s some sort of social media marketing component. You and management don’t really understand how the whole social networking thing works, but you know it’s cool and everyone else is doing it (not to mention the competition), so you do some research and decide to give it a shot.

After months and months of collaboration with the big-name advertising agency, some sizeable cheques, a few prayers, plenty of late-night meal solutions, and some rapturous applause, you come up with Pimp My Kettle. Everyone tells you it’s a great idea, people can watch episodes of a pretend TV show based on the MTV hit and then they can join the site and create a profile to get information about how they can participate in a charity auction to buy kettles pimped by celebrities, all the while being exposed to your brand. You can even get the dude from Mythbusters to do the voiceover; how could the demographic possibly NOT identify and respond! You love it, the agency is proud of it, the boss is happy. It looks great and people are saying the art direction is brilliant. The launch party is a hit and gee-whiz, those pimped out kettles look great in the foyer of company HQ, almost like, gasp, trophies, in a cabinet. The agency is even talking about entering it at Cannes for a Cyber Lion!

The launch date comes, the tech guys do their thing and Pimp My Kettle goes live. You sit back and wait for the sales figures to start going through the roof and update your LinkedIn profile (you learnt about that one in the social networking crash-course the agency gave you) to make sure it’s easy for the headhunters from Nestle to come knocking, but not so easy that management from your company knows what you’re up to.

Two weeks go by, nothing… A few friends of the creative team at the agency and a couple of your cousins have joined up to the site, but it’s been a bit quieter than you thought it would be. No matter, Google alerts (another thing you picked up from an online marketing blog) are telling you that people are starting to talk about your campaign, it’ll all be good, surely. Just a bit of lag time until it all kicks in.

A couple more weeks go by and critics start pointing out that the whole idea was ripped-off a YouTube rip-off of a rip-off. Out there in the blogosphere the demographic is yawning; people are saying that the whole ‘pimp-my’ thing has like, so been done before. Orders from Woolies and Coles are up, but word from sales is that product isn’t exactly flying off the shelves and word at the pub is that the guys over at Maggi are about to launch a TV campaign with a bunch of Olympic stars who claim that their noodles are the key to their success in Beijing; you hate those fuckers ’cause they have enough cash to pull stunts like that all year, but you only had enough budget to run Pimp My Kettle in prime-time for two months.

But that’s the brilliant thing see, even though your brand can’t afford the TV spend throughout the whole year, the website is going to keep working for you for at least the next 12 months, that’s the POWER of social media. In fact, you don’t even NEED TV because the Gen Y doesn’t even watch TV anymore anyway (that Forrester Research survey confirmed it).

Jeez, imagine if it really took off and became a fad, like the ‘Will it Blend‘ stuff. It could SO happen! The focus groups loved the content, it even made your mum laugh and she doesn’t laugh at anything, imagine if you started a whole new trend in kettle-pimping, it could take off around the world and imagine what that would do for the brand! The reach would be phenomenal and everyone would know it was your baby.

OK, LOL, so that probably won’t happen, but man, you’re using social media in a real proper tie-in campaign, you should be super-proud. In fact, you probably should put that on your resume; ‘implemented social media marketing campaign to boost product sales by X%’. No wait, better make it ‘XX%’! Screw that, make it ‘XXX%’ you can fill in the exact figures later, when you find out what they are. They’ll be three figures for sure - that’s the power of social media! There’s just no way this could possibly go wrong.